Nothing's working....

[cassieann_69]

I'm tired of feeling fat.
I'm tired of not feeling like myself.
And I'm afraid that this is now who I am.

And I'm tired of it being the "be all" / "end all" of the world.
But it is.
And I see no change in sight.
As if the ED is engraved into my soul
It is who I am / not a "disorder" I suffer from.
IT IS WHO I AM...

Comments

[blackswan1983.livejournal.com]

And it's not working sweetie because anorexia never works for anyone. It's death and disease disguised as the perfect control tactic. Anorexia isn't compatible with the body, that's just the reality of it. It has to stop working at some point or you have to die, there are no other options. Your body is desperately choosing life or it wouldn't have made it this far. Your body is a slightly separate spirit than yours, it has primal aspects and thinks with pictures not words. It reacts to things in a visceral manner. Try to listen to her, even if its just for today. She is talking to you, I can feel it intuitively. Feel where you feel your feelings in your body, watch how your body is on autopilot some times and takes care of things without you even thinking about it. It's alive Cassie, and you are letting anorexia hurt it and you are letting anorexia kill it. It's living and breathing and supporting you, it's a beautiful gift and you have chosen to hate it for not being perfect because somebody taught you to value perfection above all self worth. Your body doesn't have to be perfect to be loved. Your body is what brought you here, what supported your children and brought them to life for you. Learn to listen to it and appreciate it for what it is, and make people start listening to you and appreciating you for who you are. You're already doing it here, spread it out to your whole life. Cassie is valuable, Cassie saved my life, Cassie has important things to say and to share. She has a reason to be alive, a space to occupy on this planet but she's afraid to occupy it because she's afraid she has to be perfect and she knows she's not. I love you in all your imperfections, your perfect to me. You're already there, right now. Right here. Perfect and beautiful and pure. I see it, you just can't see it yet. But you will, I promise you will. You need to be healthy to see it, that's all and you can get there because I did I wrote my life story, I'm gonna let you be the first one who reads it because you kept me alive to live it. Just by being you. As soon as I edit, it's yours first. Love forever.

[asylum-seraph.livejournal.com]

blackswan,

that was a beautiful reply...thank you for it, even as it wasn't directed towards me, it still had meaning for me. and it is definitely the most truth I've seen in a long time.

Cassie is deserving. she is strong and beautiful inside, as well as outside.