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(no subject)
Mar. 3rd, 2015 04:42 pmMy stomach is empty, hurting and growling.
This pain brings me happiness and comfort.
How sick am I ?
This pain brings me happiness and comfort.
How sick am I ?
(no subject)
Sep. 25th, 2014 07:19 pmI'm so fat
and so depressed that I'm so fat
I feel utterly consumed by self hatred
I have fallen in to a deep dark hole
and its not a good place to be.
My focus for now is just to keep myself safe
and hope tomorrow will be easier then today.
and so depressed that I'm so fat
I feel utterly consumed by self hatred
I have fallen in to a deep dark hole
and its not a good place to be.
My focus for now is just to keep myself safe
and hope tomorrow will be easier then today.
(no subject)
Aug. 26th, 2014 05:05 pmWell so far today is better as far as eating EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
I did have too many calories for breakfast....not realizing just how many calories are in pop tarts before I ate them.(won't make that mistake again! OMG 220 cals PER pop tart so 440 for one package.)
So I have had a few cherry tomatoes and 3 bottles of water ....but I'm getting really hungry!
Here's the thing...I thought I would run up the street to Sonic and get a breakfast burrito.(I have a headache and could use the protein.)
So I look it up on Calorie King and it's like 800 calories!!!! OMG twice!
Well thats not gonna happen. I really don't know yet what I'll do.
I won't know for another hour if Dane is staying with me tonight.. If he is he will for sure want to go get some fast food somewhere....
I MUST BE STRONG.
(sorry if this offended anybody...I have no idea anymore with all the changes here how to put anything under a cut.)
Cassieann
I did have too many calories for breakfast....not realizing just how many calories are in pop tarts before I ate them.(won't make that mistake again! OMG 220 cals PER pop tart so 440 for one package.)
So I have had a few cherry tomatoes and 3 bottles of water ....but I'm getting really hungry!
Here's the thing...I thought I would run up the street to Sonic and get a breakfast burrito.(I have a headache and could use the protein.)
So I look it up on Calorie King and it's like 800 calories!!!! OMG twice!
Well thats not gonna happen. I really don't know yet what I'll do.
I won't know for another hour if Dane is staying with me tonight.. If he is he will for sure want to go get some fast food somewhere....
I MUST BE STRONG.
(sorry if this offended anybody...I have no idea anymore with all the changes here how to put anything under a cut.)
Cassieann
(no subject)
May. 18th, 2014 08:14 pm20 lbs heavier then 3 years ago...need I say more...FML
Why does it have to be so damn important.
Why does it have to be EVERYTHING? on my brain running my life ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Anybody who is under the impression that eating disorders end when you are no longer stick thin....
You are seriously wrong....my ed is worse now then ever. My brain has never been this messed up.
Why does it have to be so damn important.
Why does it have to be EVERYTHING? on my brain running my life ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Anybody who is under the impression that eating disorders end when you are no longer stick thin....
You are seriously wrong....my ed is worse now then ever. My brain has never been this messed up.
(no subject)
Nov. 6th, 2013 08:42 pmI'm sick, I'm tired
I'M FREAKING FALLING APART!
and I'm getting fat while doing it.
For the first time in my life pictures make me cry.
For the first time in my life I am not the one in control.
Why oh why do we have to get old?
I'M FREAKING FALLING APART!
and I'm getting fat while doing it.
For the first time in my life pictures make me cry.
For the first time in my life I am not the one in control.
Why oh why do we have to get old?
(no subject)
Sep. 28th, 2013 08:54 amMy stomach is so hungry.
I need to get used to these hunger pains,
instead of giving into them as I have been.
Today I will be strong!
I need to get used to these hunger pains,
instead of giving into them as I have been.
Today I will be strong!
Failure...
Sep. 23rd, 2013 06:14 amAll my progress getting from 120 to 114 is gone/ I weighed in this morning at 120.1 ( I am having severe pms bloating/ so I'm hoping that is part of it...I definitely will not be eating today. But plenty of water.)
Hope you all had good weekends:)
Hope you all had good weekends:)
Bad day, eating way too much. Don't know why. Eating even when I'm not hungry.Wtf is up with that? Totally not like me.
I don't think I will be weighing tomorrow....who am I kidding..like I can't weigh. I think I'll go to bed early. Tomorrow has got to be better.
I don't think I will be weighing tomorrow....who am I kidding..like I can't weigh. I think I'll go to bed early. Tomorrow has got to be better.
Frustrated....
Jul. 30th, 2013 11:41 amWhy does every single gathering, function, event & meeting have to involve FOOD!!! Wtf is up with that???
R called and asked if I wanted to go on a small road trip with him for work (no biggie /just 3 hours) And of course I do.
But I can tell you for sure we will stop to eat somewhere!
I mentioned that to him and he said "Hey people gotta eat...right?"
Nobody gets it....
R called and asked if I wanted to go on a small road trip with him for work (no biggie /just 3 hours) And of course I do.
But I can tell you for sure we will stop to eat somewhere!
I mentioned that to him and he said "Hey people gotta eat...right?"
Nobody gets it....
Having a hard time today...wanting to eat.
weight was same as yesterday 115.2...It's gonna be a long evening....
weight was same as yesterday 115.2...It's gonna be a long evening....
Still at 120...120.8 to be exact.
I did eat yesterday, I am not necessarily planning on fasting.
Fasting has become very hard for me to do anymore it just makes me sick.
But I did go to the store and buy fruits & veggies.
I'm still surprised how many calories are in some of them.
I would rather not get all caught up in the calorie counting thing.
But it's hard not to when you are trying to lose weight.
It's also going to be harder to lose weight when R does not want me to.
He knows nothing of me trying to/ it would upset him.
And we go out to eat a lot so that is another obstacle where I need
to appear as if I'm eating 'normal'.
I won't purge or take lax so this has got to be all me.
I'm feeling like I may just weigh this much forever / or more.
And then there is this small part of me that says "would that really be so bad?"
I guess there is a small part of reality left in me.
Very small.
I did eat yesterday, I am not necessarily planning on fasting.
Fasting has become very hard for me to do anymore it just makes me sick.
But I did go to the store and buy fruits & veggies.
I'm still surprised how many calories are in some of them.
I would rather not get all caught up in the calorie counting thing.
But it's hard not to when you are trying to lose weight.
It's also going to be harder to lose weight when R does not want me to.
He knows nothing of me trying to/ it would upset him.
And we go out to eat a lot so that is another obstacle where I need
to appear as if I'm eating 'normal'.
I won't purge or take lax so this has got to be all me.
I'm feeling like I may just weigh this much forever / or more.
And then there is this small part of me that says "would that really be so bad?"
I guess there is a small part of reality left in me.
Very small.
(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:49 pmI watch people eating on TV and I wonder...how can they make it seem so simple?
Is it all an act and they are all fcuked up on the inside like me?
Or can they actually just put food in their mouths, chew it, swallow it and go on with their life as if all is well?
Why does this have to be a struggle every damn day?
ITS JUST FOOD DAMMIT!
Is it all an act and they are all fcuked up on the inside like me?
Or can they actually just put food in their mouths, chew it, swallow it and go on with their life as if all is well?
Why does this have to be a struggle every damn day?
ITS JUST FOOD DAMMIT!
(no subject)
Jun. 20th, 2013 01:11 pmI am losing my CONTROL...
I don't know what is happening with me?
I feel like I'm losing myself and the only
life I'm comfortable with.
I feel like I'm inside SCREAMING to get out.
I know this makes no sense.
I just needed to vent.
Thanks for reading.
I don't know what is happening with me?
I feel like I'm losing myself and the only
life I'm comfortable with.
I feel like I'm inside SCREAMING to get out.
I know this makes no sense.
I just needed to vent.
Thanks for reading.
(no subject)
May. 5th, 2013 02:20 pmHaving a totally unmotivated day.
It is after 2pm and I am still in my pj's.
I am doing laundry but there is so much more I should be doing.
I feel so fat and blubbery.
I have not weighed in two days.(I normally weigh everyday.)
I have been eating like it's just okay to do so.
Except for today...so far NOTHING!
And although I am not promoting fasting I think thats what I need for a while.
Lots of water for me!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Cassieann
It is after 2pm and I am still in my pj's.
I am doing laundry but there is so much more I should be doing.
I feel so fat and blubbery.
I have not weighed in two days.(I normally weigh everyday.)
I have been eating like it's just okay to do so.
Except for today...so far NOTHING!
And although I am not promoting fasting I think thats what I need for a while.
Lots of water for me!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Cassieann
(no subject)
Mar. 14th, 2013 11:14 pmIt's been a long hard day (food/body struggle wise) and I am going to try and go to bed now.
If only I could just wake up and not care anymore. (Or at least not as much.)
Why does it have to be the be all end all of my life....its just FOOD.
OMG, I'm just so so tired of this.
Sorry to be so down and sorry to lay it all out for you all to read but I feel a bit better venting.
Good night ladies & here is to a better tomorrow:)
If only I could just wake up and not care anymore. (Or at least not as much.)
Why does it have to be the be all end all of my life....its just FOOD.
OMG, I'm just so so tired of this.
Sorry to be so down and sorry to lay it all out for you all to read but I feel a bit better venting.
Good night ladies & here is to a better tomorrow:)
(no subject)
Feb. 11th, 2013 07:42 amHad a bad weekend / food wise.
I freaken ate like nothing in this world mattered!
I suck.
But today is Monday and the start of a new and better week.
Fingers crossed.XXX
Hope you all had good weekends:)
Cassie
I freaken ate like nothing in this world mattered!
I suck.
But today is Monday and the start of a new and better week.
Fingers crossed.XXX
Hope you all had good weekends:)
Cassie
Tired of it all....
Feb. 6th, 2013 07:48 amWe all know what a roller coaster having an ed can cause in your life.
And I say that now because I'm going to explain how I am feeling "now".
Which we all know may not be the way I'm feeling tomorrow.
But as of right now I want to say to my ed "FCUK YOU".
I am so tired of it running every aspect of my life/every thought in my head.
I just want to live...with out thinking I have to wear a certain size, weigh a certain number and look a specific way.
I AM NOT FAT...
Yet I live everyday not only trying to make sure I never "get" fat but trying to get smaller then I already am.
I am going to be 43 in a few months and I have spent the better part of my life stuck in this ed.
Making me wonder...."just how much of my life have I missed out on while my focus was on my body and maintaining control of it."
And making me think that I don't want to spend the next 25 years doing the same damn thing.
I know none of us "WANT" to be the way we are.
But I REALLY want to change...I have to realize that going along with being 43 is also the fact that I no longer have the "control" over this "hormonal" body of mine. And I am not 25 anymore and have to stop killing myself to look like I am.
I need to learn to live with the way I look. I would love to learn to actually "like" the way I look eventually. But one step at a time right.
And as far needing to be in "control" /for right now I am getting that control by the kinds of food I allow myself to put in my mouth. I know what wrong foods and right foods are and I'm hoping to gain control through not allowing myself to eat the "wrong" ones.
Anyway this is how I feel right now.
And like I said when you live with an ed / things can change from day to day.
I'm hoping I can keep this frame of mind for a good while.
But we all know I have been here before...and yet the ed still finds a way to take over.
You guys are my best friends.
Wish me luck.
And I say that now because I'm going to explain how I am feeling "now".
Which we all know may not be the way I'm feeling tomorrow.
But as of right now I want to say to my ed "FCUK YOU".
I am so tired of it running every aspect of my life/every thought in my head.
I just want to live...with out thinking I have to wear a certain size, weigh a certain number and look a specific way.
I AM NOT FAT...
Yet I live everyday not only trying to make sure I never "get" fat but trying to get smaller then I already am.
I am going to be 43 in a few months and I have spent the better part of my life stuck in this ed.
Making me wonder...."just how much of my life have I missed out on while my focus was on my body and maintaining control of it."
And making me think that I don't want to spend the next 25 years doing the same damn thing.
I know none of us "WANT" to be the way we are.
But I REALLY want to change...I have to realize that going along with being 43 is also the fact that I no longer have the "control" over this "hormonal" body of mine. And I am not 25 anymore and have to stop killing myself to look like I am.
I need to learn to live with the way I look. I would love to learn to actually "like" the way I look eventually. But one step at a time right.
And as far needing to be in "control" /for right now I am getting that control by the kinds of food I allow myself to put in my mouth. I know what wrong foods and right foods are and I'm hoping to gain control through not allowing myself to eat the "wrong" ones.
Anyway this is how I feel right now.
And like I said when you live with an ed / things can change from day to day.
I'm hoping I can keep this frame of mind for a good while.
But we all know I have been here before...and yet the ed still finds a way to take over.
You guys are my best friends.
Wish me luck.
How can they be so happy?
Jan. 17th, 2013 08:47 amYou know what I don't understand / I am watching a music video that made me think about this AGAIN! And that is all these women out there who are bigger then me or even quite a bit bigger then me can laugh and be so happy and eat like there is no care in the world. And even dress and carry themselves with confidence. When I think I would want to shoot myself in the head if I were that size.
And the thing is some are not much bigger than "NORMAL". I don't even understand when I see someone my size who is just 'happy go lucky'. Their life obviously does not revolve around how much fat they saw on themselves that morning.
And sadly mine does. I don't wanna be like this (who would).
I so tired of "the way I look" being the "be all/ end all" of everything:(
Anybody else ever felt this way?
And the thing is some are not much bigger than "NORMAL". I don't even understand when I see someone my size who is just 'happy go lucky'. Their life obviously does not revolve around how much fat they saw on themselves that morning.
And sadly mine does. I don't wanna be like this (who would).
I so tired of "the way I look" being the "be all/ end all" of everything:(
Anybody else ever felt this way?
(no subject)
Dec. 8th, 2012 09:39 amI let myself weigh again....
All control is lost.
I want to dissapear.
All control is lost.
I want to dissapear.
