Whats on Cassie's mind

Well no excuses (at least I don't think of it as one.) But no gym for me today.
I had to take my mother to the ER yesterday which is tramatic enough.
But they ended up admitting her into the hospital.
The very same hospital that my Dad died in a year and a half ago.
And the same floor to make things worse.
I stayed with her as long as I could last night. I think they would have let me stay the night
but she wanted me to go home , she is doing well and I really needed to go home and let my
dog out and feed her. R could have come over and taken care of that but like I said she did not
want me to stay anyway. I'm going to get ready and be up there by 9am this morning.
They may be doing some GI procedures today.

Sometimes it takes one thing to put anohter into prospective.
suddenlly I'm not so worried about my weight or the gym.

I think I am going to give up on counting calories for now. Maybe even give up on my food log.
And if I could I would like to stop weighing myself everyday...but that one is gonna be hard for me.
It just doesn't seem how many calories I eat or don't eat I range between the same amount of weight all the time.
Like I'm living my life on a tread mill./ or a hampster wheel.
Its just the same and the same and the same.
I am no longer able to restrict and lose weight like I used to/either that or I am at the lowest I'm gonna get.
Which could be a good thing because last year when I did get 10 lbs lower then I am now I was losing my hair and growing fuzz.
And I DONT want to go back there again.
Truth is I really don't mind weighing what I weigh ...I just don't feel like I weigh this due to MY OWN control.
Its like I'm just stuck here no matter what I do.
Idk if this makes sense to anybody out there. But I felt like writing about it so it did.
Wish me luck on giving up the calorie counting and the food log....I think I can do this.
I'm starting to realize that life is too short to be so consumed by something like I always have been. And that its time to at  least
try to make some changes.
I'll keep you all updated and still be reading and commenting everyday.
I'm here for you all whenever you need me.
Cassieann
XXX

Not sure if I ever even posted that I felt bad today but it has not been a good day.
But I feel better now, I took a nap and went shopping for underwear.
For some reason this is what I do when I'm depressed.
I also picked up Alli and took her to work, she went on a float trip and I was so busy talking about my bad day we really did not talk much about it.
But I will see her again when she gets off work tonight.
I'm going to say something now that I never thought I would say.
"I'm too thin".
I spent quite awhile yesterday taking some new user pic's/profile pics (whatever) and I did not realize until I saw them how thin I am. And I have been wearing mostly 1/2 & 1/2 size 3 & size 1's but they are levi's and their size 1'a run really big. When I went shopping for underwear I looked for some shorts and tried on 5 pair of size 3 all different brands (I was at gordmans) and all of them I could get on and off without even un-buttoning them. They were all very big. I tried on the size one's and they fit better but still with a lot of room to spare, not form fitting or shapely at all. And I was not trying on any smaller. I know I should have put this under a cut , i'm sorry to anyone I may have triggered. I don't know how to hide after the fact.
This is going to totally sound weird but being in my body / living in my body, I know I'm thin, I'm not stupid but I don't feel like I'm THAT small. And its so different when you see yourself in a picture than when your looking in the mirror.
I don't know why I'm going on about this I guess because I want to want to do something about it. Truth is I ate today.
I eat alot of day and I also get very little exercise but I just don't gain weight. And truth is I'm scared to death to. Before when I was heavier I didn't have celulite but I did have some unpleasent lines on the back of my thighs, and now they are all gone . There is no extra skin on my legs to have any lines. And I don't want them back.
But I do want a butt.
Oh I'm just a mess.
I'm sorry if this flipped out entry triggered anyone. I'm just a basket case lately.
Love you all
Cassieann<3