Nothing's working....

[cassieann_69]

I'm tired of feeling fat.
I'm tired of not feeling like myself.
And I'm afraid that this is now who I am.

And I'm tired of it being the "be all" / "end all" of the world.
But it is.
And I see no change in sight.
As if the ED is engraved into my soul
It is who I am / not a "disorder" I suffer from.
IT IS WHO I AM...

Comments

[meia-is-ana.livejournal.com]

:( I'm sorry. I wish I could help

[misspriss-dg.livejournal.com]

Thanks Meia:)

[blueigirl.livejournal.com]

Hey Cassie :) been a while since I've been on lj, missed ya but I've just been super busy lately.
I do understand your words! boy do i.
I think I've seen where you've mentioned some weight gain, what's your stats lately (if you don't mind). I haven't stepped on the scale in a few weeks bc I know what I'll see will spiral me into an anxiety frenzy. Are you still weighing once a week?
I got my Wii back out and having fun, even some sore muscles.

[oceanlull.livejournal.com]

Honey, I understand. Without it, who am I? Idk. You're in my thoughts. I hope clarity comes to you, as well as peace of mind.

[blackswan1983.livejournal.com]

It doesn't have to be. What if you said NO and made a drastic life change? It is possible, you are capable, and you definitely deserve it. Nobody needs to "deserve" health, but if it were a requirement, you totally win times 7,000. Why not you? Why can't you be one of the ones that recovers? It will be scary as hell but you are way more than capable, you have the self awareness and the spirit that it takes.

[blackswan1983.livejournal.com]

And it's not working sweetie because anorexia never works for anyone. It's death and disease disguised as the perfect control tactic. Anorexia isn't compatible with the body, that's just the reality of it. It has to stop working at some point or you have to die, there are no other options. Your body is desperately choosing life or it wouldn't have made it this far. Your body is a slightly separate spirit than yours, it has primal aspects and thinks with pictures not words. It reacts to things in a visceral manner. Try to listen to her, even if its just for today. She is talking to you, I can feel it intuitively. Feel where you feel your feelings in your body, watch how your body is on autopilot some times and takes care of things without you even thinking about it. It's alive Cassie, and you are letting anorexia hurt it and you are letting anorexia kill it. It's living and breathing and supporting you, it's a beautiful gift and you have chosen to hate it for not being perfect because somebody taught you to value perfection above all self worth. Your body doesn't have to be perfect to be loved. Your body is what brought you here, what supported your children and brought them to life for you. Learn to listen to it and appreciate it for what it is, and make people start listening to you and appreciating you for who you are. You're already doing it here, spread it out to your whole life. Cassie is valuable, Cassie saved my life, Cassie has important things to say and to share. She has a reason to be alive, a space to occupy on this planet but she's afraid to occupy it because she's afraid she has to be perfect and she knows she's not. I love you in all your imperfections, your perfect to me. You're already there, right now. Right here. Perfect and beautiful and pure. I see it, you just can't see it yet. But you will, I promise you will. You need to be healthy to see it, that's all and you can get there because I did I wrote my life story, I'm gonna let you be the first one who reads it because you kept me alive to live it. Just by being you. As soon as I edit, it's yours first. Love forever.

[asylum-seraph.livejournal.com]

blackswan,

that was a beautiful reply...thank you for it, even as it wasn't directed towards me, it still had meaning for me. and it is definitely the most truth I've seen in a long time.

Cassie is deserving. she is strong and beautiful inside, as well as outside.

[tinytears19.livejournal.com]

im pretty sure your in my brain.. this is exactly how iv felt all day. like u feel i can vontrol what i eat with the motive to be thin, but no matter how much weight is lost i cant escape from my mind telling me im fat. chin up sweety. here if u need to talk xxx

[blackswan1983.livejournal.com]

Cassie, you are unconditionally good no matter what you do. You aren't a bad person and nothing is wrong with you and how you are living. That's why you are able to survive so long with something that is a deadly disease.

I would love to see you accept yourself as an anorexic person and neither label it bad or good. Just really acknowledge it and own it and sit with it and go from there. It may be the state that you remain in, it may not. You may just be an anorexic American and you will just be you and be loving and preoccupied with food and weight and trying your best. That's where you are at now anyway.

But the negativity only hurts and lets the condition become worse than it just being your state of being.

If you can be there and be in a stable state and let it be, you will have a lot more room in your life for good and fun things that you do love and enjoy.

Let the bad negative thoughts go, focus on the good and work around the factor that anorexia is currently your state of being. It may change, it may not, but don't let it limit the good and draw in the bad. It can be the central pole in your life but you can shift outwardly in all directions instead of becoming wrapped around the pole and hanging yourself on the line.

Does that make sense at all? I have been using logical thinking and symbolic images a lot in my life lately and things have started to make sense for me. I've accepted a few things that other people would think are horrible and outlandish but they are my things and they aren't hurting anybody very much at all and it's a choice I chose to accept to have my best possible life with everything I want.