Nothing's working....

[cassieann_69]

I'm tired of feeling fat.
I'm tired of not feeling like myself.
And I'm afraid that this is now who I am.

And I'm tired of it being the "be all" / "end all" of the world.
But it is.
And I see no change in sight.
As if the ED is engraved into my soul
It is who I am / not a "disorder" I suffer from.
IT IS WHO I AM...

Comments

[blackswan1983.livejournal.com]

Cassie, you are unconditionally good no matter what you do. You aren't a bad person and nothing is wrong with you and how you are living. That's why you are able to survive so long with something that is a deadly disease.

I would love to see you accept yourself as an anorexic person and neither label it bad or good. Just really acknowledge it and own it and sit with it and go from there. It may be the state that you remain in, it may not. You may just be an anorexic American and you will just be you and be loving and preoccupied with food and weight and trying your best. That's where you are at now anyway.

But the negativity only hurts and lets the condition become worse than it just being your state of being.

If you can be there and be in a stable state and let it be, you will have a lot more room in your life for good and fun things that you do love and enjoy.

Let the bad negative thoughts go, focus on the good and work around the factor that anorexia is currently your state of being. It may change, it may not, but don't let it limit the good and draw in the bad. It can be the central pole in your life but you can shift outwardly in all directions instead of becoming wrapped around the pole and hanging yourself on the line.

Does that make sense at all? I have been using logical thinking and symbolic images a lot in my life lately and things have started to make sense for me. I've accepted a few things that other people would think are horrible and outlandish but they are my things and they aren't hurting anybody very much at all and it's a choice I chose to accept to have my best possible life with everything I want.