Quotes for today...

(sorry if some of these are repeats.)

* My reflection has become a disease.


* The "best" anorexic isn't alive anymore.


* Do not go gently into the night -
  Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.


* I may not be perfect,
  but parts of me are pretty awesome.


* We have a reason to keep holding on,
   tomorrow can become today.

Morning entry....

I have not made an update in a while.
I have been having a very hard time  with my ED.
Feeling as if I am no longer in control.
The numbers are not where I 'NEED' them to be.
And its getting harder and harder to get there and maintain it since R and I got back together.
He knows I needed (need) to gain weight and makes sure food is constantly around me.
I of course have no problem saying no, that part is not a problem for me.
It's letting down and disapointing R that is a problem for me.
The more weight I gain (although it has only been 5 lbs) the better he thinks I look and the lower my self esteem goes. I have learned by reaching my goal weight this last summer how it is to feel good and comfortable in my own skin, and with each pound gained that comfort is being taken away.
And I blame no one but myself as I am the one eating....no one is force feeding me (as in the past.)
I am eating of my own free will but only to make other people happy...and I feel as if I am losing myself in the process.
I wish that I could put on a magic pair of glasses and see myself as good as others say I look.
But I  cant, I can only see myself as " I " see myself.
And I don't like what I see.
Sorry to unload all of this on you all this morning. I am seeing my psych doctor this morning and Iam truly trying to pull myself out of this "control abyss" I have gotten to and accept myself the way I am.
XOXO to you all.
Cassieann